I guess I'm feeling old. I've not really ever felt this way before. Maybe it's because the 'ole body just isn't what it used to be! Or maybe it isn't old I'm feeling, maybe it's useless. Just sorta seems like I'm treading water or slugging through sand or something. I don't really have a job right now (and that by choice, not circumstance), I don't feel useful at church. I love my husband--more every day really, although we're both human and have faults and we get on each other's nerves sometimes, E is really a wonderful husband. So I do things for him and try to please him. But that's all within the norm. I love my children; my daughter is precious beyond words, and I love my step-sons and daughter-in-laws more and more. And the Grandkids!! Oh, the Grandkids!! What joy they bring to my life.
And hopefully I bring joy to theirs! [Collin, our 3-year old Grandson in Houston was saying goodbye to us when we were getting ready to leave. He put his little arms around my neck, as well as the string to a wind-up toy, and says (while hanging tightly on to the string around my neck) "Grandma, I'm NEVER going to let you go!! ] And what fun I have with all of them! We just spent 4 1/2 days with the 3 in Houston. The last day we were there, the girls started verbally listing all the fun things we had done: went to see Madagascar, went swimming, took 2 long bike rides/walks with Grandpa, made Bedrock Catapillar cookie with Grandma, looked at and tried on all of Grandma's jewelry, rough-housed with Grandpa, had a picnic at the pool, went to kids baseball games, played Badmitten, ate Breakfast at Denny's, played with the dogs.....whew! We managed to do a lot in those few days!!
And tomorrow evening, the Emporia crew comes to prepare for the Tuesday celebration of Addy's 3rd birthday. So that will be a family dinner with lots of fun, making a dinosaur cake, and more fun time with Addy and Ellie and their cousins Aaron and Daniel.
And I LOVE LOVE LOVE all of that.
But then I think.....what in the world am I doing for your Kingdom, Lord? We've tried to do so many things at church, only to be shot down. We've basically been reduced to pew warmers. I hate that!!!
I feel like God has given me many talents. I'm creative, I work well with teenagers, I love teaching ladies classes, and we have some great ideas to get the community involved in our church. But nothing.
Our prison ministry work was a disaster. We struggle with what we want to try next.
So I've been doing mostly a lot of things I like to do for myself. Quilting, gardening, scrapbooking, reading, doing stuff on the computer (BLOGGING....!!). And it seems like we are always busy running here or there......
But--what am I doing for you, Lord? You've given me these talents....am I using them for you? Are you calling me to do things for you and I'm not listening...not paying attention...not hearing? Are you calling????
Oh, Father, I believe. Help my unbelief!! Help me to love you more...to serve you more...to be more like you. Help me to be less concerned with earthly possessions and more focused on you. Are you calling??????
M.H. I miss being able to communicate with you. BTW, I wrote this entry before reading your most recent entries!